Train Wreck

A note I wrote last week on the subway

 “Do you ever think back to a moment in your childhood where you felt lonely and lost? I get flashbacks every so often. It’s crazy how feelings can stick with you years later. As the days get shorter, I always think back to when I was sitting in front my old gym where I practiced gymnastics. It was when it started to get dark around 4 pm. I think I was 12. Didn’t have many friends as we had recently moved to a new city. I was also in that pre-teen-angst-I-hate-everyone phase. And a homeschooled jungle freak (real life Cady Herron over here).

I can still understand and feel that exact feeling. I know I am loved, yet every so often I feel very much alone. I am always wondering if there is anyone else in the world like me.

Are we all lonely? Do we all just mask this feeling with superficial things and experiences and even people to put aside the fact, at our very core, we are all just lonely people looking for our purpose in this world? Do we ever find that purpose or is our purpose to be searching?

And this always leads me back to the ultimate question: why am I here? Why are any of us here? Do we ever even come close to a definite answer before death?”

I have mental breakdowns on the subway it’s fine. Looking back on this note, I am incredibly grateful I do have the family and friends given to me in this life. I’m also lucky to have found a couple of very special individuals who understand the real me. The real me who has gone through countless phases of “finding myself.” Special shout out to those who loved me during my I-wanna-be-Snooki phase.

Even though I feel lonely on and off and I will never make sense of this world, I am surrounded by love. And cute red hats.


Photography: Megan Abbott

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Shoes (not pictured): Inspyre Boutique 

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